smile? no. snarl!


Taedae sims tae bee ah good dae. Et sims sonny enuff. Ma ituch steel dawnt wurk. Thaet part steel socks. Ah head to sing oot loud for thae lack oof musik th’oug whin braushing. Enyoon realize yit thaet whin yir 24 yirs oald, thae oonly songs thaet com tae minde whin ya sing ar thouse ya listen’d tae whin yir een high school? Ah stuck tae singing Fridae th’oug because eet ays Fridae. An’ eet reely simed tae bee ah good dae. “Ya come aroond, shave ma baird!” Thaet fuckin bloke Asswen reely deed ask thaet ah dae. Fuckin cunt. Ahs goat masef ah sparse growth oof hear aroond ma cheen, an’ thae fuckin fascist mistook eet fir ah goatie, and wandered whi ah didnae shave eet. Truth ays- ah dawnt. Fortnightly mebbe. Ah’m extempt frim cuttin parts ooff ma budy ‘ery alt’nate daes. Ah prolly dawnt hav tae fir the rest of surgery. Ah goats massef ah cuple oof elec’ric razurs. An’ the shite wud eways bee oootta batt’ry whin ah nided thems. Su ah goat ah manual oan. Shite rusts befur ma nexst shaive. Bad inv’stmint, innit?!

… continue reading this entry.


no rants here. =)

How messed up can my days get! No time frame but off the top of my wet head-

  1.  I’ve had my laptop crash and made to wait for three weeks by the repair guy only to bring it home and have it crash again,
  2. Been sent home on the first day of my Oral Surgery posting to change my converse,
  3. Ordered to get a haircut by the same fascist regime in Oral Surgery,
  4. Had my friend leave Bangalore,
  5. Dropped my itouch into water (Apple doesn’t believe in disclosure and repairs),
  6. Got only 7.5 on my IELTS,
  7. Been stuck in surgery everyday being subject to the daily round of gossip,
  8. Gone on a losing spree while playing Fifa World Cup on Live,
  9. Been sick for most of July,
  10. Watched the World Cup finals with a 101 deg fever and chills till around 3 AM,
  11. Not been able to decide what I should have, by now, decided.
  12. Been more idle than a stray dog wandering about and sleeping lazily in the sun,
  13. Anything else I list would not be off the top of my wet head.

And I just got home drenched after waiting for the rains to subdue for an hour in college. That plus deciding to come home for lunch and being forced to seek shelter in a shop about 500 metres from home- courtesy the unpredictable downpour. Life is far from perfect. But I have learnt to smile through most of it. I doesn’t bother me much and I have taken it all pretty well, save a few grumbles. I’m learning to smile. It still requires work and it might look more like a grimace if I showed you and you might think I am in some mild discomfort and wonder what it may be; but I’m learning to smile. =)


*new post added*

I hate state-the-obvious conversations. If you have nothing to say, talking about the weather is going to earn you more respect points. If your keen observation has led you to conclude that half the Dutch football team have the word Van in their names, I really don’t want to hear it. And if I don’t respond coherently and mumble an argreement as I stare on fixedly at the TV, it isn’t cue for you to then proceed to individually read out all the player’s name off the screen. I might be  trying to block you out. It won’t work if you don’t stop talking. No, I don’t know if Van is a very popular name in Holland. I would understand if Dyke was or if they added a Vroom after the Van. No, it’s open to debate- one that I think I will pass and refuse to partake in. … continue reading this entry.

i abdicate everything. thank you for playing.

I have options. I have more options now than I ever did at any other point in my life. It is the same every time  I go one milestone down. Milestone- decisions- insomnia. Repeat. I had written this out in the evening and thought this blog was ending up in the can. Its 2:00 AM now and I’m sitting here out in the hall rereading while this friend of mine lies around watching Kick Ass while nursing a hangover. Nursing it back to a drunken stupor if he had his way I’m sure. Staying on track- Decisions. Life should come with a manual. One path forks into three and then again divides and redivides until the whole place is littered with confusing distributaries; every glance back setting off a time-bomb of hesitant pondering. What if’s and what would’s. You never outgrow growing pains. The rebellious streak dies out and you either seep into an oblivious bounce with a fixed mask-like grin plastered onto your face, or  into quiet desperation and reluctant acceptance. But the growing pains- they never get old. … continue reading this entry.

me minus two wisdom teeth.

Pain- An unpleasant emotional experience initiated by noxious stimuli and transmitted over a specialized neural network to the central nervous system, where it is interpreted as such.

I am in pain; a lot of it. And its not the kind of mental trauma that leads to good art, the kind they claim gets your creativity soaring. No, I’m talking about the somatic kind, the kind that results from getting two of your third molars extracted on the same day. The kind of pain that makes you hit a block after five sentences! (This blog is getting scraped. Fuck this!).

rain on the windshield

It is not only the drenched laughter or the smell of mud wafting on the breeze,
It is not only the red gulmohar petals contrasted on the washed black of the road,
It is not only the darkened skies and the rumbling promises of respite,
The rain speaks to me-
breathes in my ear and
envelopes me in the comfort of everything I can’t forget.

Luckily, he had carried his hoodie with him on that particular day. He put it on smugly as he stepped out into the rain and the cool evening air. … continue reading this entry.

“fucker you are!”

I want my morning back. I had it all for me and then it was brazenly taken away from me. And now I’m so aggravated that I could spark and ignite and explode; in that order.

There was a post graduate conference in Oxford Dental College yesterday on Conservative Dentistry and Endodontics. I was selected as one of the volunteers; the only sluggish and scowling face among the other ten or so genially animated ones. I don’t know how that works really. You’re a ‘volunteer’ that someone selects; to do ‘voluntary’ work and help out. So anyways, I had to sit at the help desk and retrieve registration numbers for the morons who had forgotten theirs. That is a scary thought. Now, these were pseudo-doctors who HAD been provided with a registration number, had been TOLD that they would require it and had STILL forgotten them. Not really the kind of doctors I would want to knowingly go to. Anyway, like they say, “To err is human, to forgive divine”. Good thing divinity is not of my faculties. … continue reading this entry.

just add fuel.

The fire didn’t bother him anymore,
he sat comfortably at its heart,
blank and expressionless while the flames danced in around him circles.
What do you do when you’re frozen in a damp swamp
mindful of everything around you,
and yet frustratingly incapacitated?
How do you do it?
Meanwhile- it swung on.
The velocity reducing to nothingness at each zenith-
the calm before the storm.
The storm was on its way.

The day was done.
Every chore complete, … continue reading this entry.

they are awesome.

They said he could’ve been something,
this boy- he could’ve been someone.
They said he had passion and determination,
this boy- he had all it took.
But when the earth opened up and swallowed him whole,
it took it all. His passion, the something he could’ve been, the someone he could’ve been, his determination.
He was always a disposable space.
Another always there to take his place,
another product at a manufacturing plant.
Sunday mornings don’t mean shit anymore,
everyday could be a monday too.
They said they missed him,
and then headed out to buy their groceries,
other flipped channels more rigorously.
They’re always right- the collective, unanimous they.

They disappear when the light fails.
The collective, unanimous they.
One being that never falters or dies away,
rearing its hydra heads and smiling genuinely
in a perfectly void world.
Relativity is the only truth,
his friends are all there chatting merrily,
They all live in his head.


Kaleidoscopes roll on by,
blurry streaks of light, angry screams,
Stuck here between the darkness and the light,
Purgatory, sweet purgatory,
in limbo, without a clue,
the only thing beside me my blues.
Stars afar aglow,
smile on,
here into the grass I burrow,
shredded grass and overflowing thoughts.
Looking back into the shadows
make me numb.

“Focus on the path ahead”,
they say as brambles and thorns cut into my callused feet.
Tired, weary and medicated and wrapped in bandages,
trudge on dragging behind the waning light,
tears fail me, suddenly overwhelm me,
Upbeat drumbeats, nostalgic music,
Quivering lips that are parched with agonizing stories.
Build me up, tear me down,
bullet to the brain- stop me from thinking.
I surrender, I give up, I’ve failed,
Let me stay down.
Keep me down.

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